i have entered this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest, which celebrates the worst opening lines to novels that never existed, much like Snoopy's quoting of Bulwer-Lytton whenever he typed "It was a dark and stormy night..." I have three ghastly submissions so far, and I am working on some more...

"Henrietta, who, if only she had been born with the appropriate chromosome, would have been called Henry like her four brothers, father, several uncles and grandfather (not to mention countless great-uncles), but, through the fickle fingers of fate, was instead endowed only with X chromosomes, grabbed lustily at her crotch (where any of the Henrys’ cups would have been, had she been a Henry and not Henrietta), spat her well chewed grapelicious bubble gum into her hand, affixed it to the end of her aluminum bat, and awaited the first pitch of the East Lansing Girls’ Twelve and under Slow-Pitch Softball League championship."

"It was close to quitting time on a quiet, sunny Mid-western afternoon when Stewart discovered that the throttle on his weed-whacker was stuck in the open position."

"I had my feet up on the desk, contemplating the great beyond, taking languid pulls from the bottle in my hand, content in the knowledge that I was at peace with the universe, when my mother came in to change my diaper."

Wish me luck!

-a.